


Dr. Curdino's Therapy Session

by Im__A__Brooklyn__Baby



Series: The Punk and The Jerk [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Anniversary, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Fluff, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Therapist, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5027236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im__A__Brooklyn__Baby/pseuds/Im__A__Brooklyn__Baby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look into one of Bucky's therapy sessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr. Curdino's Therapy Session

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, I wrote Bucky angst! Say it with me: yaaaaaaasss! I'm sorry it took some time y'all. I was a bit busy with school. Anyway, enjoy!

Today was an important day.

Today was Steve and Bucky's anniversary.

Yes, it's been 8 months since they've recharged their relationship and have been committed to each other. Through the isolation Steve craved and the inactivity Bucky prayed for most of the time, they've made it through. They definitely weren't toxic for each other. Steve would always cuddle with Bucky when his PTSD is taking a toll on him or skip a meeting to spend the afternoon with him. Bucky has sacrificed many movie nights with Sam to be with him.

But, today, Bucky just feels out of it.

He can't concentrate on this letter he's trying to write. He's trying his damn hardest to write _I love you_ in a million variations but it doesn't mean anything. You could say you love someone over and over but never mean it. He hate to admit that's how he felt right now. Steve already knew how _much_ Bucky loves him. He doesn't need to question it. But, Bucky certainly can question himself.

_If I can't write how much I love him, how do I really know if I do?_

_Fuck it._ Bucky folded the letter and stuffed in his bottom draw, since that's the only place Steve doesn't go near. It was time for his therapy session with Dr. Curdino anyway.

Great, these sure did go well.

Most of the therapy sessions consisted of close panic attacks. He'd panic when his therapist touched upon _The Winter Soldier Dilemma_. It's been 2 years since it's happened and he _has_ been getting better but his composure has always been the china plate in the cabinet. Something you shouldn't touch because it might just fall apart.

He _actually_ _might_ be the China plate.

Dr. Curdino never pressed him when they sensed his fragility. He simply hated talking about being the Winter Soldier whenever someone brought it up; his heart would beat out of him chest and his legs would feel like rubber. Then, he'd have to get away from that person as fast as possible. Steve would find him balled up in one of Steve's sweater, quietly watching Parks and Rec.

Dr. Curdino has written _several_ times that he runs around his problems. Bucky would go silent if they asked about HYDRA or how he can't come close to Fury because he feels guilty. It was one of his personal goals to be able to talk about his bigger problems.

 

Bucky thumbed the plush stressball that Dr. Curdino had in their office. It's been with him through every session, the yellow, ratty looking thing. But, he's come so attached to it, Dr. Curdino never dares to throw it away.

"Have you been having any nightmares?" They asked. Bucky sighed and squeezed the ball more. His eyes never met with Dr. Curdino. One day, he feels like his therapist will get tired of him and drop him. But, he's constantly reminded, by Sam, that that's not possible. That doesn't stop him from thinking it though.

"Kinda. I didn't have one last night."

"How about yesterday's night?" Dr. Curdino asks while scribbling something down on their notepad.

"I, it was one I've had before but more intense," Bucky takes a shaky breath as his heart rate quickens, "I, I had a nightmare about the...chair. The one HYDRA used on me." That's about as much as Bucky feels comfortable saying. He didn't want to talk about Rumlow's sinister smirk as he instructed the operaters. He didn't want to remember the icy air of the compact room. He most importantly didn't want to remember _any_ of this. Of all the memories that came back to him, he hated that HYDRA contaminated his brain.

"Do you want to talk about it anymore?" Bucky shook his head and tried to make himself seem smaller, "Isn't it you and your boyfriend's anniversary? What do you two plan on doing?"

He's not even sure of that. Their scattered minds can't decide on a solid plan; most likely they'll spend the day cuddling.

"Not sure, doc. We haven't made a plan. We're not into fancy, suit wearing restaurants. We're not fancy people." Dr. Curdino froze for a minute-- most likely deciding whether or not to write that down-- then started scribbling down his words. That's all Bucky felt like his therapist did. S _cribble, scribble, scribble. Ask, ask ask._ Honestly, he didn't feel like he was getting help but he has started 3 months. He's not sure how this works.

"That's nice. Maybe you guys can do something romantic, like a picnic at night. Or you can go to a science museum." Bucky nodded, not really taking their suggestions to heart. Then, he remembered the letter he was trying to write.

"Hey, doc," He had to know the answer, "Let's say, you're super in love this person. They know it, you know it, the whole fucking _world_ knows it. But, you can't exactly express, in words, how much you love them. Is that a bad thing?"

Dr. Curdino took off their glasses and cleaned them thoroughly. Bucky was scared to say that he didn't know how much he loves Steve.

"Well, do you _feel_  like you love this person dearly?" Therapeutic keyword. _Feel._  Bucky's sure they don't believe he loves Steve.

Bucky sighed, "Yeah, I really do." He continues in almost a whisper, "I always have. Even when I didn't know who I was."

"I don't want you to feel awful right now or anything. But, you do have records on having difficulty explaining how you feel. You're very vague on most subjects. If this person, I'm assuming it's Steve?"

Bucky nodded.

"Loves you and you love him, then it's okay not to write it down. Steve should know that you love him a lot. I've noticed you're better at physical showing someone instead of thoroughly explaining it." He felt a bit better. It was good news that he was a vague little shit. He can't remember when he ever became one. Back in the day, Bucky would be able to write a ten page essay on the Dodgers were going to win the game. (He really did write that ten page essay. Steve has it just sitting on their coffee; it's a good laugh when they need one.) Or, to be more serious, how much he missed his sister, Rebecca. But, he'll take any explanation on why he can't formulate words for his adoration for Steve.

Dr. Curdino is right. Steve knows just about anything, from intuition.

Dr. Curdino spends the session asking Bucky more necessary, prying questions.

More questions on his memory, which is doing remarkably well. He's getting bits of childhood memories back. He can even remember meeting Steve. More questions on his relationship with his boyfriend. Their relationship is doing well, they haven't fought in a month. There's less paranoia on who's going to lose it first and leave the other devastated. He's proud to admit they've worked themselves up to making out for more than 2 minutes but nothing further than that.

More questions on what happens on his missions. He's even more proud to say his panic attacks vanished during battle. He no longer shakes when Stark tries to touch his arm. He doesn't hyperventilates when Steve gets hurt. He has a mantra he repeats if he feels anxious. _You are safe. Everyone is safe. Our team will pull through._ He's warmed up to the Iron Man suit now; him and Tony sometimes spar while Tony’s in it.

More questions on his nightmares. Even though he didn't have one last night- he's sure they'll come back _tonight_ \- they've been more intense. He's not even sure how that's _possible_ but everytime he wakes up from one, he finds himself puking his brains out into the frigid toilet. The nightmares could be an assortment of _anything_. Falling off the train. The chair. The first time he killed a child. Trying to escape HYDRA but being captured. He was _shit_ or he felt like it. He has so much blood on his hands that's not even his. _It's not my fault._ That was his nightmare mantra. He'd practical scream it in his head when he felt a twinge of an overpowering urge to find a knife.

He hasn't told anyone about that.

Not even his therapist.

 

Finally, their session ended and Bucky could smile and say thank you and overall feel like a pleasure to work with but not actually be one. But, instead, he randomly hugged his therapist while repeating 'thank you's' until it got awkward. His _lovely_ therapist just smiled and blushed profusely at Bucky's sudden affection. They finally ushered him out the door with a giggle, stating he'd make their next client's session short. Bucky smiled, said thank you for _last_ time and got out the door. He felt better. He now knew he was a vague little shit. He knew that he loved Steve. He knew their relationship wasn't something they've been trying to force together since Bucky's regained control of his mind. _We're going to be fine._

He repeated it during his whole drive home.

He threw away the letter when he got home too.

Bucky and Steve spent their anniversary watching cheesy romance movies that actually made both of them cry. (Especially this movie called Before We Go? "Holy shit, the guy looks like you, Steve!" "No, it doesn't, Buck. Shut up.") They ordered take out from this shit-in-a-hole Chinese food place that neither of them will ever stop ordering from. They have the best General Tso chicken.

"I love you, Stevie and happy anniversary." Bucky smiled up at Steve and kissed him on the lips.

"I love you too, Buck and happy anniversary." The only present Steve gave Bucky was a painting of an old photo of them, from the 40s. It was a lazy day in the SSR and, coincidentally, Peggy just picked up an interest in photography. Steve was working on some late paperwork to get him officially _off_ the USO tour when Bucky came up behind him and rested his head atop Steve's head. They still don't know how people didn't figure there was something _more_ than friendship. Peggy, being the sneaky as well as intelligent as fuck person she is, snapped the photo.

Steve found the photo in his box of memories.

Bucky, on the other hand, gave Steve a mug he made himself, in pottery class. (Pottery clears his head. He's pretty good at it too. Sue him.) The mug had a pattern of blue, purple and pink stars with "Til the end of the line" painted in the middle.

This may be their best anniversary after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. Love y'all and have a wonderful day :)
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr! (Danstevieurbuckie!) I'll take all prompts, questions, imagines, headcanons, whatever you want!


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